i dream all my dreams in black and white
by swirlofcolor
Summary: AU: Even love has its limits. //Josh thinks back and decides that, in the spectrum of colors, there are only three that matter// threeshot
1. white

**(I dream all my dreams in black and white)**

**-x-**

_// white like her glimmering teeth, her pale skin, and those stupid lies she strung along your heart //_

**-x-**

**"Your eyes are brown."**

**"...yeah, I know."**

**-x-**

The first time you see her, she's got some kind of mischievous grin plastered on her sunscreen-covered face and sand tangled into her messy-blonde hair and she's got her deep-blue eyes focused on yours, and within minutes you're talking like you've been friends for forever. And she's so relaxed, so comfortable to be around, so down to earth that it doesn't take much for you to be friends - she doesn't mind that you don't talk much, she just rambles on about her family and her home town and any thought that pops through her mind. And it's sort of a weird relationship (friendship, she says firmly); you haven't known each other for long, but it just sort of..._feels_ right. Like it was fate or something. And as _cliché _as that sounds..._(it's even more cliché to point it out)._

**-x-**

**"Alicia likes you. Like, like likes you."**

**"Is there any chance you could be wrong about that?"**

**-x-**

It's so easy to forget that you aren't actually dating - and thus, that you could openly be the object of someone's affection - and that she's with _Cam_, glorious, wonderful, romantic Cam who looks at her like the sun shines out of her ass. Sometimes, when you're at her house (or she's at yours) and you're talking and doing homework and just simply _chillin'_, you could just pretend that it's normal and that it could be like this all the time. But of course, there are so many complications - Massie and her stupid rules, Cam and his overprotective personality, Alicia and all those stupid crushing girls who think they have a chance - and it's _so_ like Claire to go around and do exactly what she's told and pretend everything is alright. So your friendship is _secret_ friendship, and you respect that. _(sort of)_

**"Cam's not speaking to me."**

**"Claire - "**

**"No, I get it. It's not something you want to talk about."**

**-x-**

So you're not quite sure when that defined line that Claire is so uptight about just sort of blurs, sometimes even disappears, and she somehow finds your arms or grabs your hand - and it's absolutely unmentionable, a topic you wouldn't _dare_ to bring up, because it would hurt the both of you. And you know that you both know it's wrong, because even though you haven't done anything that could be considered 'bad', it still _feels _like cheating. And it would pain you too much to explain to her that Cam's not speaking to her because he fell for that stupid lie about the Spanish Soccer Spell that Nina fed them all (although pretending to believe it so you don't have to talk to Alicia has it's advantages) - because otherwise she would run back to him and whatever you have would go right back to what you _used_ to have. _(it's not just a rebound, you tell yourself, it's love. But even love has it's limits)_

_**-**_**x-**

**"We can't see each other anymore. It's over...This - thing - we have, whatever it is...It's over."**

**"We can't even be friends?"**

**"We never were friends, Josh. I just needed...someone, for a little while. Now I'm okay again."**

**-x-**

And it's _so_ like Claire to just pretend you never happened, to pretend that she was just 'heartbroken' over Cam and that one kiss never meant anything - although she knows full well it means the world to you - and to leave you in her dust. And, as if that weren't enough, she rubs it in with quick kisses in the hallway, and fake fights that are so nauseating it almost _hurts_ to watch. And you can't help but wonder, sometimes, if it were true, and she was lying to you the whole time. _(but even after everything she's done to you, you still think that it was love)_

_**-**_**x-**

And so it's Claire, beautiful, lovable, innocent, yet manipulative and lying Claire who makes up the white in all of your dreams.

_//but in the spectrum of colors, there's still two more left//_

_**-**_**fin-**


	2. black

**(I dream all my dreams in black and white)**

**-x-**

_// black like her glossy hair, her calculating eyes, and almost as black as her soul, and black like the emptiness which you seem to be falling in //_

**-x-**

**"Josh, wait up!"**

**"What do you want, Alicia?"**

**-x-**

Eventually, you agree to go out with Alicia - and it's only partly because she is the polar opposite of Claire - and give her the stupid ball cap that you don't let anybody else touch. She wears it proudly, and keeps it on even though Massie tells her that she'll ruin her hair. And you've got a feeling she knows about your unrequited love - after all, she makes it her business to know anything and everything about everyone - and that her wearing the damed thing is almost like her waving a victory flag around so that everyone can see that she won, and that the poor girl from Florida lost. And, though you hate her unconditionally for trying to ruin Claire's life, you can't help but notice with certain satisfaction the looks Claire sends you when you're together. _(but she has no right to be jealous, no right whatsoever)_

**-x-**

**"Meet me behind cafeteria. We need to talk."**

**"We are talking."**

**-x-**

And so, when Claire whispers to you in Science class, and says that sentence you've just been dying to hear _(behind the cafeteria has never been more suggestive)_, you turn her down. Not that you don't _want_ to talk to her, listen to her, watch her lips move, no. You just figure that, if you waited this long, she deserves a little suspense too. And you regret your decision almost instantly as you watch the disbelief in her eyes turn to hurt - and you've never been more thankful of that loud, obnoxious bell as it cuts through the lecture on the reproductive system. And so she sends you one last, dark look and whispers in a strained voice.

"You might think you've finally found a girl who'll love you, but you are _so _wrong. So while you prance around and have a fucking happy life, I'd like to point out that she's cheating on your sorry ass. With Cam, of all the _freaking'_ people on the planet." _(saved by the bell, no doubt)_

The room is now empty, even old Mr. Dirge somehow managed to leave. She tries to sound hateful, mean, but her voice is thick with sorrow and regret and her eyes are like a melted ocean of lament as she stares at you, unmoving. And suddenly she's in your arms, sobbing rapidly, and all you can do is hold her as you stare, confused, at the blackboard and wonder how in the world you went from there to here in so little time. _(and she's in your arms again, and everything is going to be alright, just as long as you don't let go)_

**-x-**

**"You cheated on me, and now you say I'm **_**fucked **_**up?"**

**"Oh, please, don't even pretend for a moment that you're not madly in love with Kuh-laire."**

**-x-**

Alicia confesses almost instantly, to your surprise _(you'd been expecting denial, at the very least)_ and smiles devilishly, her red-tinted lips curving against her olive skin. She then proceeds to twirl the baseball cap across her finger, waiting for you to recover from the shock, and when you do, she listens patiently, sometimes not even truly paying attention, as you explain that you don't want to see her anymore. When finally, you end the speech with a customary, but not truly necessary, 'I hope we can still be friends', she giggles and shakes her head. _(you learn to hate those little giggles that feel like gunshots to your heart)_

"You truly think it's easy like that? That you could just dump me and then rush over and to knock her off her feet?" she idly asks, her dark eyes alight with interest. When she spots the confused look on your face, however, she sighs. "Joshie, joshie...Don't you see? She's never going to break up with him! They're perfect for each other. Sure, she tells you she's through with him...But I can assure you his relationship status will be back to 'in a relationship' by tomorrow. Aw, don't look that sad...She does love you, she does. She just loves him _more." (each word is like a slap across the face and you wonder how she can do it, how she can stand to hurt people's feelings and not be touched in the least.)_

_**-**_**x-**

_**"Hey Josh, it's me...Claire. Look, I'm so sorry, but I'm going to keep dating him. For now, at least. I know it's hard to understand but I love him. I truly do."**_

**Beep. **

**(2) More Voice Messages from ****Claire**

**-x-**

So once again, for the second time, it's just you and the dust that once was Claire, alone and choking up the remains of what could have been. And it comes back to haunt you in your sleep, night after night, a flurry of would-have-beens and blonde hair and malicious giggles. And you learn to accept it, eventually, because every time he does something she comes running back to you, and every time she forgives him - but it's those stolen moments in between relationships, where she can kiss you and you can hold her without feeling guilty, it's those moments that make it worthwhile. _(you try to ignore how every time it gets a little bit harder to take her back, or how the pain increases after she's gone)_

**-x-**

And so it's all the other things, Alicia and the loneliness and the pain - it's all those things that make up the black in your nightmares, night after night.

_//and you've almost used up all the colors to paint the bigger picture, they're all gone but one//_

**-fin-**


	3. grey

**(I dream all my dreams in black and white)**

**-x-**

_ // grey like everything that no one notices, the one that no one bothers to mention. grey like a wast ocean of sorrow, and the promising horizon beside it //_

**-x-**

**"Josh, I'm sorry."**

**"Don't you think it's a little to late for that, now?"**

**-x-**

She's not beautiful, you decide idly as you watch her twirl under the white twinkle lights, her hand tightly secured around a half-empty bottle of vodka, smiling serenely. _(full, she would tell you if she could hear your thoughts. The bottle is always half-full.)_ Her skin is almost _too _pale, her hair almost _too_ flat, her eyes _too_ dull, her dress _too _plain, her mind _too _pure - and yet, she still looks every bit like an etherial, Disney-like princess, waiting for her prince with a hopeful heart. And, as you swallow yet another sangria spitefully, you come to the logical conclusion that that simply it isn't fair. It isn't fair that she can capture your heart with a silly, goofy grin. It isn't fair that she can pull it all off, than she can pretend like her life isn't messed up. It isn't fair that she can pretend to be the epitome of perfection when she has so many flaws. _(but everything has to have a crack - that's how the light gets in)_

**-x-**

**"Where are you going next year?"**

**"Away from here, hopefully."**

**-x-**

She let's out a scream as she skims through the acceptance letter, and it's all you can do but run away - far away. The smile on her face, her glittering eyes alight with excitement as she bounces up and down in pure ecstasy, the happiness that envelops her makes you want to puke. It's all over the school by the next day, and her smile seems to be permanently etched into her features as her friends gush around her.

"I got into Julliard," she tells you proudly, and although her intentions were pure enough, you still feel the urge to punch her in the face. It's not her _fault _that she had to go and get accepted into a university in the same city as yours, after all, and it's not her _fault _that she couldn't remember that you were dying to study at NYU. No, it wasn't her fault. _(but you still resent her from taking yet another thing away from you.)_

**-x-**

**"I'm revoking my acceptance to NYU."**

**"You got into NYU?"**

**-x-**

She looks at you, dumbfounded, when you mumble that you've decided _not_ to go to NYU, but to go and study abroad, and her eyes reflect the confusion etched into her perfect face as you utter a pitiful goodbye, promising to write even though you won't, and show her your acceptance letter to Cambridge. She doesn't deserve an explanation, you convince yourself, because of all the times she didn't give you one. And, finally, your monologue comes to an end and you take a breathe and look into her sad eyes.

"Why are you leaving?" she manages to choke out, her voice thick with an emotion you can't quite discern. "Why? We could _finally _have had it! Think of it - a city to ourselves, just the two of us. No stupid, cheating boyfriends, no controlling girlfriends, no bitchy friends. Just us and endless nights and freedom. Just us against the world. "

And the way she puts it, it sounds so true, so real, so promising that you almost want to believe her. And her sad, twisted smile is so inviting you almost want to take her word for it and believe that it was going to be alright, for once. _(almost). _

**_-_x-**

**"No, Claire. No."**

**-x-**

And so finally, once it's all said and done, once you finally manage to turn your back on the person you loved the most - all that's left is grey.

The color of freedom, the promise of freedom, and it's price.

**-fin-**

**-x-**

**This story is dedicated first and foremost to Alice, as well as to all those who reviewed. So thank you to..**

// _x-wandering dreams // Cela Fille // emeraldeyes101 // ohmyitsdani // One of the Fallen_

**I'm sorry if this wasn't the ending you were looking for -_-' but I didn't find it right that he could forgive her after what she'd done. **

**bah. maybe that's just me, but I like to think that Josh regained some dignity in this chapter. **

**- Anne-Lise**


End file.
